


broken

by manuladaim



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Bellamy cries here, Canon Compliant, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Post-Episode: s04e13 Praimfaya, Post-Season/Series 04
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-23
Updated: 2020-06-23
Packaged: 2021-03-04 07:28:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,258
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24879985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/manuladaim/pseuds/manuladaim
Summary: Bellamy finds Clarke's skybox cell on the Ring.
Relationships: Bellamy Blake/Clarke Griffin
Comments: 9
Kudos: 33





	broken

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This One-Shot happens when Bellamy and the others are on the Ring, while Clarke is on Earth (between 4x13 and 5x01). I wrote it as a Song One-Shot, so I recommend you to play the song when I tell you to do it. I hope you all enjoy it! :)
> 
> I also posted it on Portuguese [here](https://fanfiction.com.br/historia/791987/Broken/).
> 
> Song: Hurricane, Fleurie ([Youtube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nZcf3oXfz5k) and [Spotify](https://open.spotify.com/track/1tLp9KH0j1HoKdS1vnvkxO)).
> 
> EDIT - 02/01/2021: if you are here after this date, you'll notice that I updated this fic. I didn't change anything on this story, but I changed the notes and corrected some typos that I only detected after I posted it.

Emori was worried. 9 days had passed since she and the others had entered in that rocket, traveled to space, and allocated on the Ring. 9 days since... well, since _she_ gave her life to save the others. And that was weighting really much on the group. Bellamy was the one who was trying to look better, but the swollen eyes and the dark circles under his eyes showed the reality of incessant crying nights. Raven, Monty, Harper, and Murphy weren’t even trying to hide their feelings: they were destroyed. Clarke wasn’t just their leader, she was also their friend. She lived with them the experience of getting out of that ship towards the unknown and she was the one who took over the control of the 100 with Bellamy. She was the one of thought for everyone and in everyone but her, what was proved true once again. Emori missed her - after all, that was the second time that Clarke sacrificed her own life for her. But she couldn’t give herself permission to grave her: she needed to be strong for the others. They will spend 5 years in that place. So, when she woke up that morning, she had an idea on her mind. Each one would go through the Ring, searching for clothing and other things that could be useful for them. It looked like a good idea.

...

Everyone was reunited around the central computers in the Ring, which were showing a map of the place.

"Well, the idea is each one of us covers a part of the place." Emori said. "So, we can search everywhere for clothing and useful things."

"Wouldn’t be better if we split up in pairs?" Raven asked. "Fewer chances for us to get lost. Mainly you and Echo, who don’t know here."

"For me, it’s okay. How do we divide us?"

"I will go on my own." Bellamy spoke with a croaky voice, showing that he spent the night crying. Raven looked at him confused, trying to understand why he chose to go alone. "We are 7 people, anyway, someone will have to go alone." He said, shrugging.

"So Emori and me," Murphy said, "Monty and Harper, Raven and Echo and Bellamy solo." He looked at his friend, without knowing what to do to make him feel better.

Emori divided the places to each group and, in minutes, everyone had split up, agreeing to meet in the same place in one hour.

* * *

Bellamy was broken. He had lost her. He had left her behind at the end of the world because she decided to save everyone’s lives, except hers. But he was trying to not show his feelings. He was trying to be the leader and use his brain, as he has promised to Clarke. Oh, he just wanted to come back in the time, in that conversation…

Bellamy ran his hand through his hair, trying to put away his thoughts - and falling. Remember those days, those months… it will change nothing, and he needed to accept it, otherwise, he will fall apart.

He concentrated on his track. The area that he has to cover is short, but it has a lot of rooms. In fact, he found many things: clothing, watches, board games, and guns, that will be useful during those years in space. They had nothing to do, it was boring.

...

After 20 minutes, Bellamy noticed that he had arrived in his last spot. And that place was more familiar than he had thought. It is where the cells used to be. There, the Council put the delinquents. As a guard, he had been there unaccountable times, but there was the place where his sister spent a good amount of time before they sent them to the ground. Damn, he hated the place. But he was hoping to find more things, so he decided to comb there. One and another piece of clothing, and some scratches in the walls, representing counting days. He started to think about every person, every “the 100” who was sent to the ground along with him, and the air got hard to breathe. Not think in them was being hard then he had imagined, but at least there was just one more cell.

Bellamy opened the door and held the cry. He entered the place, already knowing how this is going to end.

_I can feel your heart hanging in the air_

The walls were covered with different drawings: animals, trees, mountains, and clouds. He identified many of them, like scorpions, deers, and birds. Some pine trees in the Rocky Mountains, in the United States. There was also the Andes Rage, with its snowy peaks. And, in the center of the floor, was the most beautiful illustration of the place: the moon arising in a starry sky. There were tree branches and leaves behind it, pretending to be clouds. He knew that she did all of that in the months that she spent in the solitary. _Her._ When he saw that, every memory of the past months hit him, everything that he tried to bury in the last 9 days, and he collapsed on the floor.

_Coming like a hurricane, I take it in real slow_  
_The world is spinning like a weathervane_  
_Fragile and composed_  
_I am breaking down again_  
_I am aching now to let you in_

He remembered the first time they saw each other when they were still inside the ship. She had looked so angry at him, saying that the air could be toxic, while he wasn’t giving a shit. That will become so common in the next days… Bellamy chuckled and lied down on the floor, thinking about everything they had been through. His memories with her passed through his mind like a movie, and his cry increased, along with sobs. That ball that had been stuck in his throat for the past few days only raised as he thought about her.

"I'm sorry, Clarke. I'm sorry for being such a jerk and selfish to you when I met you. I'm sorry for not being able to protect everyone enough and for being a bad leader. I'm sorry." Those words were stuck in his chest for the past days, and he knew he could never speak to her personally. "I'm sorry for making you take the 100 leadership with me, for putting that weight on your shoulders. I'm sorry that I didn't prevent the deaths of Wells and Finn, I'm sorry that I couldn't save everyone in Mount Weather alone, I'm sorry that I didn't think of anything other than pulling that lever. I'm sorry that it wasn't enough to convince you to stay in Arkadia, I'm sorry that I didn't help you with your burden after that, I'm sorry that I didn't fight long enough for you. I'm sorry."

Bellamy was crying so hard he could hardly breathe, and he didn't even know if he was worth it. "I'm sorry for being a selfish asshole, for letting Pike become Chancellor, for not listening to you when you were right. I'm sorry it took me so long to find that bunker. I'm sorry I didn't make it to Becca's lab before. I'm sorry. I just wanted to go back in time and give an extra hour for us to prepare. It was everything we would need. One hour. I'm sorry for all the times I was irritated with you for nothing when all you did was put the priorities of others above yours. I'm sorry I didn't tell you what I should have done earlier. Oh crap, Clarke, why did you interrupt me that time we were on that beach? I would tell you that you are too important to me. I should have told you the truth when we were talking in the lab. I can't live without you, Princess, I can't. I love you too much for that." Bellamy just let that feeling envelop him and sink him. He deserved it. "I should have thought of a way to save everyone, as you always did. But when it was up to me, I left you behind. You died alone, suffocated, in a world-ending, and I decided to save my life."

He got up quickly and started punching the wall beside him, in an attempt to make the physical pain greater than the emotional pain he was feeling at the time. That is much more than he can handle.

His hand was already full of cuts and throbbing in pain, blood dripping on the floor. That floor, where she had laid down to draw while thinking that her execution was near. How was the Council could do that? Consider killing her? No, that was crazy. Nobody should have the right to decide who lived and who died.

"What a beautiful hypocrisy, huh, Bellamy Blake?" He spoke to himself, letting out a sarcastic laugh as he tried to breathe through the sea of tears. "You, the responsible for the death of a thousand people, the responsible for the death of your sister's boyfriend, talking about deciding who dies and who lives. You, who abandoned the love of your life to die alone in a burning Earth. Nice shit."

Bellamy leaned his back against the now blood-stained wall and slid to the floor, looking at the space around him. She who should be in his place, gathering clothes and complaining that the only thing they ate that day was a piece of toast. She should be looking at that cell right now. She who deserved to live, not him. But, again, life turned out to be shit. And no matter how sorry he was, he could never look into those blue eyes and say he loved her. He couldn't tell her that he needed her to think rationally, to be the head between the two. Or that the heart that she said that he let control him didn't belong to him anymore. His heart was hers, and he could never tell you that. Time doesn’t return, and he didn't even want it to continue.

* * *

Monty and Harper arrived after the scheduled time. They ended up finding a lot of food not yet expired and took all possible care to bring it to the computer area.

"Ah, finally!" Raven exclaimed. "I was going to pull the two lovebirds out of bed and send you to work." She said, smiling. Then she noticed the food in their arms and she can barely contain her own happiness while running to help them with all that. "Dude, this will save our lives."

Only after they finished fixing everything they noticed someone was missing. Bellamy, to be more specific. It had been almost 1 hour since they had scheduled to meet.

"Where is Bellamy?" Harper asked.

That's when the others noticed that he was really late. Raven turned to Emori and asked:

"Where was he assigned to go?"

"Right here." Replied Emori, pointing at the map. And that's when the pieces came together in Monty's head.

"Damn it."

"What is it, Monty?" Asked Murphy.

"The cells."

"What?" Everyone was confused, not understanding where Monty was going.

"When we were at Mount Weather, President Wallace gave to Clarke…" Monty stopped for a moment, trying in vain to contain his tears. "He gave her a painting set. She made several drawings, including one showing the treetops and the starry sky." At that moment, all that was heard in the room was Monty's voice, and crying, and sobs. "She said to me and Jasper..." He stopped again, looking at the ceiling in an attempt to breathe. He still didn't believe that he had lost both of them. "She told us that she had drawn something similar on the floor of her solitary cell, dreaming of what the Earth would be like. Bellamy must have found the cell."

Silence hung in the room - only crying was heard. Even Emori, who Monty thought was handling the situation well, started to cry while trying to comfort Murphy. Echo looked totally out of place, but he could see that she understood that Clarke was important to them.

"Damn it." Raven exclaimed as she tried to dry her own tears. "I will go there."

* * *

Raven heard Bellamy's cry from meters away, which made her walk faster. As soon as he entered the cell, her crying returned. All that shouted Clarke, the drawings showed how she imagined the Earth from her point of view. But at that moment, she needed to be strong for her friend.

Raven sat next to Bellamy, who dropped his head on her shoulder.

"I can't, Raven. I can't. I can't do this without her, I can't do it without her."

"But we need to, Bellamy."

"What I need is her, Raven. And I can't have that."

"I know. But there is no alternative. We need to move on."

Bellamy slowly lifted his head from her shoulder and looked at her. And what she saw destroyed her. Swollen eyes and deep dark circles. Her friend was worse than she had noticed. She was so worried about not falling apart with her loss that she didn't realize it.

"And how do I do that, Raven? How do I move on without her by my side?"

"I don't know, Bellamy. But we need to try. She gave her life for us. We can't stay the way we are. She wouldn't want that." Raven shrugged, feeling another wave of tears come. "We survive and go back to Earth. For her."

**Author's Note:**

> Let me now, in the comments, what you thought about it! And you can find me on [Twitter](https://twitter.com/manuladaim).


End file.
